Hi MF,Sorry I missed your call--returning my call! I had been using my middle child's phone, which explains the unusual number. Anyway, DH has mentioned something about not being able to get together because of everything that's been going on: he's working all the time now since I'm more recovered and can ambulate without a walker and can drive again. He had to miss some work both times I was in hospital, and he has the workload of two or more people already.He gets SD today until Sunday (which is the usual every other Wednesday to Sunday thing), and I'm not sure what their plans are, but she might like to do a play-date some time. He'll have her for Spring Break (from the 15th until the 25th) so if you aren't going on holiday that could be a good time too. He can set it up, of course, since I'm about as uninvolved as can be with her schedule, and he's taking vacation time to take care of her while she's out of school. I don't really participate in anything to do with her, mainly for health reasons, but also because I'm happily a stepmother in name only. Things have gotten worse than ever between DH and the entity, and this time, attorneys are involved. It's so sad. And ridiculous, especially when we've even considered divorce and/or living apart just to keep his ex-drama from putting me in an early grave and my children in psychotherapy. But I just try to focus on them, stay as healthy as I can in my condition, and try to keep my stress level down, which is especially important when that every other Wednesday to Sunday rolls around....... The last thing I need is another trip to the hospital in an ambulance with a week-long stay. Those hospitals sure have the worst room service!Well, take care, and if we don't see you during spring break, we'll assume you're taking a fabulous vacation.
And she responded quickly:
I would hope that whatever is going between DH and BM will not effect our relationship with DH. I certainly do not want it to influence whether or not we get together or not, as I just assumed you guys have been busy and so have we. We want to continue our friendship and I certainly do not want the divorce between DH and BM to compromise our relationship with him. So, if "DH has mentioned something about not being able to get together because of everything that's been going on," please tell him that's absurd. I feel like we can all figure out how to make this work and how we can keep our relationship with DH separate from our relationship with BM.We will be around for spring break and would love to get the kids together. I will be happy to take SD for whatever reason––a play date, if you're not feeling well or if you just need a break. I'm here.Sorry to hear about your back and recent surgery. I hope you are feeling better. DH had mentioned that you had a relapse and had to go back in the hospital. Sounds dreadful.MF
That response made no sense to me, especially the part about wanting to help take SD to help me out. I wondered if she even read what I wrote. So I went into more detail and was a bit lit up in my response (that would come back to bite me in the ass):
DH's just been working like crazy and has no free time, was my meaning. I'm guessing he would still hang out with you regardless of how bad things get with the ex. He would even do it to piss her off; he is that flavor of crazy.It's not their divorce that's the problem, [they divorced almost 5 years prior, and he and I had been married almost 2 years by this time] but the high-conflict co-parenting that didn't start until three months after he married me. I'm sure you hear nothing but butterfly kisses and sunshine from the ex or her wishes about how "everyone would just get along and work together," but it's all bullshit, MF. She's proven herself quite adept at coming up with the most insane accusations against me (and DH). You've seen a few emails already that barely scratch the surface of her venom and vindictive behavior, not to mention how she blames me for everything because she can't fathom that DH and I don't have a marriage like they did, where he was a castrated puppet--who sadly got shown the door when he finally started standing up for himself. Even GM has cornered DH at functions to accuse me of wrongdoing. What is with these women? I guess they have nothing better to do? Why in the world would they be so insecure? I will say this: our attorney said flat-out about the ex, "you're dealing with a real nutcase."So he gets letters from lawyers and threatened with contempt of court (among other things) because he won't do things she's dreamed up are in their decree, and all it amounts to is that she's mad that she can't call the shots about what he does when he has the kid, and she thinks my existence will make the kid forget about her.But of course, I'm behind it all, making "parenting decisions" and "interfering." If she only knew how little interest I actually have in the child. Harsh? Yes, but after all that's happened, there's really no other way for me to look at it. And I'm not alone in my perspective, considering the thousands of other steps who've had to go the same route as I. So perhaps this can be something you share with her: I don't want her goddamned kid. I have three of my own who keep me busy enough, and the attachment they have to me is secure enough that they can go out and love other people, parent-figures and otherwise, without me thinking it's a threat to my "position" as their mother. Hell, I don't even think my "position" is all that special. I pass a few kids out of the old stinkbox, and I'm somehow noble? Come on...even roaches have kids.It's funny that Teacher asked DH for my email address to add me to the class email list. Awfully nice of her. Every time a class email goes out, the ex sees my name two spaces after hers. Poor Teacher is in a bad position: the ex chewed her out for calling DH when SD got left at school on the ex's watch. Teacher called the ex first and didn't get her and then, logically, called DH next. Teacher told me later that the ex was furious with her, asking her why she called him, and so on. She's definitely flown her freak flag at the school quite a bit this year, and they're starting to find her tradition (two years running) of taking cupcakes to the class for her own birthday quite hysterical. What forty-plus-year-old adult does that? Oh, that would be SD's mother. They had to tell her that they only sing to the kids on their birthdays. Disturbing: she thought they were all gonna sing to her too.I'll shut up now with my bitching. I do have to laugh about it all sometimes; otherwise I would have packed up my things and my children and gotten the fuck out of here.Have fun with those adorable tow-headed boys,Sweetness
Yeah, so be careful about talking to people who still talk to BM. And for fuck's sake, don't vent if you do talk to them, and DON'T DO IT IN WRITING!
I do think BM saw this as her way to get rid of me for good. After my surgery, which was over a month after this email exchange and a week after we found out that BM had it (and had a copy sent to DH's attorney), DH's attorney got an email from BM's attorney, asking if we had seen the email. BM's attorney claimed that BM told her that MF was worried about me "retaliating against her" and that's why she was asking. A theme that would occur again...BM's fear of me "retaliating" and needing to take precautions. I think she wanted to know what happened when he found out. She couldn't stand not knowing, and I think she wanted him to call or email her to apologize for me and to kiss her bloated, ginormous ass that gets bigger every year.
And this was the information BM had in her possession when she emailed DH on April 13, 2011, a week after these emails, informing him that she would be "taking" the child to a shrink and would let him know when an appointment became available, but had in fact taken SD that day (4/13). I am about 99% sure she used my statement about my own children needing psychotherapy as her reason for taking SD to a shrink. Copycat. And keep in mind: only my second email was faxed to DH's attorney. Not the whole thread.
Excuse me while I go vomit.