Saturday, September 14, 2013

What I Did When I'd Had Enough

In my defense, I was also taking prescription drugs for severe pain and probably wasn't thinking clearly.  Here is the email exchange between me and MF (mutual friend) on April 6, 2011.  You can find more information about MF here.

Hi MF,
Sorry I missed your call--returning my call!  I had been using my middle child's phone, which explains the unusual number.  Anyway, DH has mentioned something about not being able to get together because of everything that's been going on:  he's working all the time now since I'm more recovered and can ambulate without a walker and can drive again.  He had to miss some work both times I was in hospital, and he has the workload of two or more people already.
He gets SD today until Sunday (which is the usual every other Wednesday to Sunday thing), and I'm not sure what their plans are, but she might like to do a play-date some time.  He'll have her for Spring Break (from the 15th until the 25th) so if you aren't going on holiday that could be a good time too.  He can set it up, of course, since I'm about as uninvolved as can be with her schedule, and he's taking vacation time to take care of her while she's out of school.  I don't really participate in anything to do with her, mainly for health reasons, but also because I'm happily a stepmother in name only.  Things have gotten worse than ever between DH and the entity, and this time, attorneys are involved.  It's so sad.  And ridiculous, especially when we've even considered divorce and/or living apart just to keep his ex-drama from putting me in an early grave and my children in psychotherapy.  But I just try to focus on them, stay as healthy as I can in my condition, and try to keep my stress level down, which is especially important when that every other Wednesday to Sunday rolls around.......  The last thing I need is another trip to the hospital in an ambulance with a week-long stay.  Those hospitals sure have the worst room service!
Well, take care, and if we don't see you during spring break, we'll assume you're taking a fabulous vacation.  

À bientôt!


And she responded quickly:


I would hope that whatever is going between DH and BM will not effect our relationship with DH. I certainly do not want it to influence whether or not we get together or not, as I just assumed you guys have been busy and so have we. We want to continue our friendship and I certainly do not want the divorce between DH and BM to compromise our relationship with him. So, if "DH has mentioned something about not being able to get together because of everything that's been going on," please tell him that's absurd. I feel like we can all figure out how to make this work and how we can keep our relationship with DH separate from our relationship with BM. 

We will be around for spring break and would love to get the kids together. I will be happy to take SD for whatever reason––a play date, if you're not feeling well or if you just need a break. I'm here. 

Sorry to hear about your back and recent surgery. I hope you are feeling better. DH had mentioned that you had a relapse and had to go back in the hospital. Sounds dreadful. 

That response made no sense to me, especially the part about wanting to help take SD to help me out.  I wondered if she even read what I wrote.  So I went into more detail and was a bit lit up in my response (that would come back to bite me in the ass):

DH's just been working like crazy and has no free time, was my meaning.  I'm guessing he would still hang out with you regardless of how bad things get with the ex.  He would even do it to piss her off; he is that flavor of crazy.
It's not their divorce that's the problem, [they divorced almost 5 years prior, and he and I had been married almost 2 years by this time]  but the high-conflict co-parenting that didn't start until three months after he married me.  I'm sure you hear nothing but butterfly kisses and sunshine from the ex or her wishes about how "everyone would just get along and work together," but it's all bullshit, MF.  She's proven herself quite adept at coming up with the most insane accusations against me (and DH).  You've seen a few emails already that barely scratch the surface of her venom and vindictive behavior, not to mention how she blames me for everything because she can't fathom that DH and I don't have a marriage like they did, where he was a castrated puppet--who sadly got shown the door when he finally started standing up for himself.  Even GM has cornered DH at functions to accuse me of wrongdoing.  What is with these women?  I guess they have nothing better to do?  Why in the world would they be so insecure?  I will say this:  our attorney said flat-out about the ex, "you're dealing with a real nutcase." 
So he gets letters from lawyers and threatened with contempt of court (among other things) because he won't do things she's dreamed up are in their decree, and all it amounts to is that she's mad that she can't call the shots about what he does when he has the kid, and she thinks my existence will make the kid forget about her. 
But of course, I'm behind it all, making "parenting decisions" and "interfering."  If she only knew how little interest I actually have in the child.  Harsh?  Yes, but after all that's happened, there's really no other way for me to look at it.  And I'm not alone in my perspective, considering the thousands of other steps who've had to go the same route as I.  So perhaps this can be something you share with her: I don't want her goddamned kid.  I have three of my own who keep me busy enough, and the attachment they have to me is secure enough that they can go out and love other people, parent-figures and otherwise, without me thinking it's a threat to my "position" as their mother.  Hell, I don't even think my "position" is all that special.  I pass a few kids out of the old stinkbox, and I'm somehow noble?  Come on...even roaches have kids. 
It's funny that Teacher asked DH for my email address to add me to the class email list.  Awfully nice of her.  Every time a class email goes out, the ex sees my name two spaces after hers.  Poor Teacher is in a bad position:  the ex chewed her out for calling DH when SD got left at school on the ex's watch.  Teacher called the ex first and didn't get her and then, logically, called DH next.  Teacher told me later that the ex was furious with her, asking her why she called him, and so on.  She's definitely flown her freak flag at the school quite a bit this year, and they're starting to find her tradition (two years running) of taking cupcakes to the class for her own birthday quite hysterical.  What forty-plus-year-old adult does that?  Oh, that would be SD's mother.  They had to tell her that they only sing to the kids on their birthdays.  Disturbing:  she thought they were all gonna sing to her too.
I'll shut up now with my bitching.  I do have to laugh about it all sometimes; otherwise I would have packed up my things and my children and gotten the fuck out of here.
Have fun with those adorable tow-headed boys,

Yeah, so be careful about talking to people who still talk to BM.  And for fuck's sake, don't vent if you do talk to them, and DON'T DO IT IN WRITING!

 I do think BM saw this as her way to get rid of me for good.  After my surgery, which was over a month after this email exchange and a week after we found out that BM had it (and had a copy sent to DH's attorney), DH's attorney got an email from BM's attorney, asking if we had seen the email.  BM's attorney claimed that BM told her that MF was worried about me "retaliating against her" and that's why she was asking.  A theme that would occur again...BM's fear of me "retaliating" and needing to take precautions.  I think she wanted to know what happened when he found out.  She couldn't stand not knowing, and I think she wanted him to call or email her to apologize for me and to kiss her bloated, ginormous ass that gets bigger every year.

And this was the information BM had in her possession when she emailed DH on April 13, 2011, a week after these emails, informing him that she would be "taking" the child to a shrink and would let him know when an appointment became available, but had in fact taken SD that day (4/13).  I am about 99% sure she used my statement about my own children needing psychotherapy as her reason for taking SD to a shrink.  Copycat.  And keep in mind:  only my second email was faxed to DH's attorney.  Not the whole thread.

Excuse me while I go vomit.

Friday, September 13, 2013

That Fucking Woman!!!

It's a clusterfuck.

In April 2011, I wrote an email to who I thought was a friend.  This "friend" was also a friend to BM, but she had told me repeatedly over the last year-and-a-half before that she avoided BM when she could because of BM's "lies" and "inconsistencies."  She had even told DH that she would not be attending a work-related function because she didn't want to deal with BM.  So I believed her all along when she said that being friends with us was separate from her interactions with BM.

This mutual "friend" (MF) had been to our house, and we had been to theirs.  Several times, actually.  We'd been to dinner together a few times, and if not for our schedules, we'd have spent even more time together.

I should have known something was up.

So I had emailed MF and let her know what was going on lately, in an attempt to catch up.  I told her about the crazy shit BM had been doing, and that she'd gone to two different attorneys because she was pissed off at DH for standing up to her, and that she blamed me for all of it.  We'd had frank conversations for the last 1.5 years about BM's behavior, so this was no different.  But guess what happened this time?

MF forwarded it all to BM.  Of course DH and I didn't find out for over a month after.  And DH flipped the fuck out so bad that he went to an attorney to divorce me (while I was in the middle of having back surgery).  He needed a wife who was an "asset," not a "liability," you see.

Well, come to find out (before we knew that BM had my emails) BM decided that SD needed to see a therapist because BM was "concerned about her emotional health."  Funny thing is that after all that had happened, this notice only came a week after I had emailed MF about BM's nutty behavior.  Not only that, BM claimed that SD would see a counselor in the future.  Well, actually, the kid had just seen one right before (as in minutes) she emailed DH to tell him about it.

OK, I know it's hard to follow, so lemme recap:

1.  BM had gone to an attorney in December.  Turns out it was an attorney DH had also seen (who really should be disbarred for representing BM after representing him, but DH didn't want to report him to the SBA).  So when BM didn't get her way, she went to another attorney.

2.  I had back surgery in February.  Three weeks later, my back broke when a fusion popped, and I was in the hospital for a week.  I had stopped participating with anything to do with SD already because of BM losing her shit because of anything to do with me.  So I was pretty much an invalid for a few months, not to mention cracked out of my head on drugs to keep me from screaming in pain constantly.  Turns out that breaking your back is absolutely and horribly painful.  Who knew?

3.  I emailed MF to catch up, filling her in on all that had happened.  She responded, but it seemed that she didn't understand something (yes, I'm fucking stupid and didn't realize that she was BM's eyes and ears and probably had been for months).  I responded and let her know all that had happened and made clear that I was done participating with any of DH's and BM's junk.

4.  MF forwarded our conversation to BM.

5.  One week later, DH gets an email from BM telling him that SD needs to see a shrink (but she had just taken her that afternoon--lying through her lying liar hole, according to the bill DH got a few months later).

6.  DH and BM had to go to mediation.  I didn't go, and DH and his selective memory was a complete waste and didn't call BM out on any of her shit.  BM told her attorney (who then told DH's attorney) that her problem was with me, and claimed that I had been "mean" to the child.  The same child I had not spoken to and had barely laid eyes on in 4 months, cuz, like, ya know...I was laid up after having surgery and then having a fucking broken back?

7.  So they accomplish nothing in the 6 hour mediation.  Then a week later, BM's attorney faxed my second email to DH's attorney.  That's is when we found out about MF being a lying-traitor-whore.  DH flips out.  I have my repair surgery a few days later.  It's so great to have major surgery when awful stuff has just happened, and you're stressed out of your fucking mind already.

8.  DH tells me 2 weeks after my surgery that he had gone to an attorney while I was under.  I decide to leave him, although I'm not even able to drive.  So I was stuck.

9.  He gets SD a couple of weeks later, and I have to pick her up from school.  Driving and all, even though I was on pain meds and had no business operating a can opener, much less a car.  I also had to watch her for a week while he worked because he didn't arrange any kind of care for her during the day.

10.  A few weeks later, after BM sends him the bill for the therapist visit, he discovered when SD actually went.  He confronted BM (via email), and she claimed that I had "harassed" her for "two years."  Riiiggghhhhttttt.

So you can imagine her delight when I let her know several months later that things in our house were bad, and that it affected SD.  Perfect opportunity to get rid of me--because of me talking to others about her behavior--and to place all of the blame on me, as usual.

I gotta hand it to the water buffalo.  It was quite genius, really.

What Happened Last March?

March 2012, that is.

I've not written too much about my marriage in this blog, but I had started another one--one that I pulled after my then-husband (DH) discovered it in November 2011--and I went into detail about how bad things were between him and me.

It got worse. 

He was acting strange and very dysfunctional (more than usual) and did so in a way that concerned me enough to let BM know that there was a huge problem in our house, and that it affected their child.  Crazy, right?  At the time it seemed like the responsible thing to do.  The trouble is that I didn't expect it to backfire and put me and my children at risk. 

I realize now that she didn't give a shit about her child or any damage that may have been done to her.  She saw it as a chance to get rid of me for good.  She'd done this kind of thing before:  accuse me of something awful but claim she wasn't trying to start anything.  Adding her false promises of sincerity (unsolicited, of course).  All in an attempt to get him to see me as she did.  As a PROBLEM that needed to be removed. 

So in my attempt to bring attention to the situation and to try to solve it, I became the one who got all of the blame.  It didn't matter that his actions and statements around the child were harmful.  It was all about how I was causing "emotional damage" to the child.  I was a psycho.  I liked to start trouble.

It's so much easier to see it that way.  When you're a narcissistic BM who has been so severely threatened by your child's SM that you do whatever you can to get rid of the threat to your sense of superiority through any means necessary, even if it means using your own child to do it? 


But of course, it's the SM who is a "danger" to the child.  The SM who causes "negativity" in DH's house while the child is there, from which the child needs to be "protected."

You'll go nuts trying to make sense of it all.  I almost have.

I've Been Gone Too Long

Much has happened in this last year and change.  I have much catching up to do, but it will mostly involve writing about the many things I've learned, in addition to adding updates to my own situation.

Coming soon!

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Why The Hell Does She Do This?

BM always had a habit of trying to get the child away from DH during his visitation.  Initially she would offer to "keep" the child "for him" because she didn't want her staying with me while he worked.  She would send him emails and ask to see the child during his Christmas visitation (from 12/26 to 1/1) and would claim she missed the child and wanted "to see her and take her to dinner or ice cream."  She would also make her nutty claim that "it's not good for her to be away from me for more than the usual time." 

The summers were much worse.  He got her for 2 two-week stretches, and OMG, you would have thought the child was in another galaxy.  She would call constantly, tell the child how much she missed her, send cards and letters to her, telling her how much she missed her, and that other people missed her, and the dog and cat missed her.  Way to go BM:  let the child think she can't be with her father without you going to pieces and making her feel responsible for upsetting you.  You selfish cunt.

We're not talking about a two-year-old.  I mean an odd child who seems completely unattached to either parent.  It's eerie. 

I'm glad I'm not married to the guy anymore, and I don't have to witness this shit up close, but I feel for the kid.  Having two parents who use you to get at each other can't be easy on any kid.  Having two pathological Cluster-B parents who needle each other over who is more involved with the child when they both pretty much neglect her is 1000 times worse.

I see a body count in her future.  Strangers, her own babies, etc.  It won't be pretty.

Monday, June 18, 2012

It Doesn't Matter What You Do

She'll always have a problem with it.

It doesn't matter how nicely you say it...

She'll accuse you of attacking her.

It doesn't matter that you're a good father...

She'll accuse you of neglect.

It doesn't matter how hard you try to get along...

She'll go ballistic when she doesn't get her way.

It doesn't matter how supportive you try to be...

She'll accuse you of not caring about your child.

It doesn't matter how nice your wife is...

She'll accuse her of harassment.

Live your life, love your family, and make sure your kids know you love them unconditionally because they won't get that from her.